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Abracadickbra
zyx
helaas
Title: Abracadickbra
Pairing: Jongdae/Yixing
Rating: hard R
Word Count: 7.3k
Summary: Facing an arousal spell gone wrong, Jongdae and Yixing must battle through randy roommates and bountiful boners to end the enchantment and save everyone before they end up in an EXOrgy.
Notes: written for justgetlayd round 2. Please read at your own risk. Seriously people, it’s called Abracadickbra, you know what you’re getting into.




Jongdae thinks of a hundred sweet and romantic ways to sweep Yixing off his feet - grand gestures, meaningful gifts, a handwritten book of sonnets with individually pressed flowers between all the pages - but ultimately, using black magic sounds much quicker and easier. Plus totally anonymous in case things take a turn for the worse. And honestly, his love sonnets had turned out less Pablo Neruda and more Pablo the penguin from the Backyardigans. All in all, harnessing the power of the black arts to get the love of his life (or at least the next few months) sounds like a pretty sweet plan.

There had been some very minor ethical dilemmas, but in the end, he'd decided on an innocent arousal spell. Just a little something to grease the wheels. He doesn't want to force Yixing to fall in love with him and he doesn't want to change himself in any way (why mess with perfection?), he just wants to use the influence of a strong, convincing boner to lead Yixing straight into his bed arms.

Covered head-to-toe in voluminous black robes (dear god, please don't let anyone catch him wearing the robes, it is not a flattering look), Jongdae ignites the candles placed around the pentacle he drew on the dorm's bathroom floor. He hopes the higher powers are pleased with the buoyant Juicy Apple scent wafting through the room, because cheap Ikea tea lights were all he could find in Luhan's nightstand. Checking once more that the door is securely locked, he plops himself inside the circle, trying to keep the edges of his robe from catching on fire. It's a rental. He pulls the ancient spell book closer, the pages thin and brittle under his fingers, and sends a mental thanks to the local library's remarkably exhaustive occult section. Between an incantation for making someone into a sex slave (wow, tempting) and a lengthy enchantment for a lengthy enhancement (he's bookmarking that one for later), Jongdae finds the arousal spell.

He's read the spell so many times, he can practically recite the page from memory. As far as magic goes, it seems relatively simple. Light the candles, boil the herbs, concentrate on what he wants (as if Jongdae isn't already thinking about Yixing's dick 24/7), say a few words and then toss Yixing's hair into the pot and ta-da, cue one hot and horny healing unicorn! Jongdae has put more effort into manscaping than this spell is going to take.

Still, his hands shake as he turns on the hot plate under the 10-liter stock pot he's using as a substitute for a cauldron. There's a feeling of nervousness Jongdae hadn't expected, a tendril of excitement under his skin and just a hint of fear creeping through his veins. He takes a deep breath. It's too late to back out now, he's already paid for the ingredients and he doesn't think handfuls of horny goat weed and rose petals are going to make for a very delicious soup. Not to mention the strands of hair he salvaged from Yixing's hairbrush. He eyes the precarious stack of hairbrushes piled on the edge of the sink distastefully. He did not just pick through all the EXO member's dead skin cells and hair grease for nothing. With renewed determination, Jongdae cranks up the heat to maximum on the hot plate.

Before long, the water bubbles merrily and he's ready to start the spell. Meditating on Yixing's hot bod and killer smile, Jongdae adds all the required greenery into the pot, stirring clockwise. The pot steams, smelling strongly of herbs. It's ready.

Jongdae's voice is loud and confident as he says, "I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love and lust! Awaken the fire within Zhang Yixing's loins. Make him burn with desire, as these flames burn for you!"

The provisional cauldron glows eerily in the candlelight. Jongdae feels strangely powerful. He takes a deep breath.

"Zhang Yixing, come to me!" Jongdae yells, throwing the hair into the pot dramatically.

A quiet knock on the door startles him out of his ritual.

"Um, Jongdae, did I just hear my name?" Yixing says through the wood of the door, "Are you almost done in there? I've got to tinkle and Zitao took his laptop into the other bathroom like ten minutes ago..."

Shit. Jongdae attempts to stand at the same time Yixing tries the door, causing Jongdae to lunge for it, forgetting about the robes and trailing the hem through the circle of candles. The edge of the robe catches on fire immediately (what the fuck are these robes made out of, dry leaves and hair spray??), glowing brightly in the dim room. Jongdae crashes into the sink, tipping over the pile of hair brushes in his attempt to get water for the flaming robes. He's never going to get his deposit back now!

"Is everything okay in there?" Yixing asks, his voice soft and concerned. What an angel. Jongdae wants to ruin him. But now is not the time for distractions! He soaks the singed edge of the robes in the sink, cringing at the damage.

"Oh yeah, totally fine. Nothing weird going on in here," he says nervously, faking laughter.

Yixing does not sound convinced. "Are you getting high in there? It smells like incense and burnt hair."

"OH FUCK!" Jongdae shouts, too late slapping a hand over his mouth. He looks back down at his pot of ingredients and finds out that in the commotion, he managed to knock all the hairbrushes from the counter into his makeshift cauldron. The hair of every EXO member has been added into Jongdae's arousal spell. Every member, even Baekhyun. Ew. This almost definitely won't end well.

"Jongdae? Seriously, are you okay?" Yixing asks again, shaking the door handle, "I'm going to get Junmyeon."

Jongdae sighs and sits back down on the floor.

"So mote it be," he whispers, blowing out the candles.




After stashing his magic paraphernalia under the sink, Jongdae clears out of the bathroom before Junmyeon can come and yell at him. The last thing he needs is another awkward lecture about appropriate uses of the communal bathroom facilities (you masturbate one time, one time, using Junmyeon's fancy face cream and suddenly you're a pervert). He ends up taking refuge in the living room, empty except for Chanyeol zoning out in front of the TV. Flopping down next to him on the couch, Jongdae tries to act natural. He twiddles his thumbs innocently. That's a thing people do, right?

Inside, he's freaking out, his heart dancing a rapid polka number in his chest. The first time he does magic and he fucks it up! What are the chances? High? Very high? God, he should have thought this through. There's no telling what's going to come next, but he still holds onto a tiny shred of hope that the spell managed to take effect before the other members' nasty DNA managed to contaminate it. Yixing can still be his! He just has to wait it out.

Chanyeol's erection is the first sign that something has gone terribly wrong.

"Nice weather we're having today," Jongdae says with a fake air of indifference. He doesn't even know what the weather is like because he spent most of the morning tying herbs into bundles and trying to figure out how to wear robes. Despite what several Harry Potter movie watchings had told him, his robes did not descend around him effortlessly, like Professor Snape’s.

"The weather is okay, but wouldn't you rather have me, instead?" Chanyeol says, sliding across the couch like an octopus and onto Jongdae's lap.

No, no he would not.

Although Jongdae's brain screams RUN, YOU IDIOT, RUN FOR IT, his stupid body freezes in place as Chanyeol's ungainly, octopean limbs squash him into the cushions, his hands suctioning to Jongdae's torso. Chanyeol leans forward, going for a kiss or possibly trying to eat Jongdae's face off, he's not sure which but he avoids it all the same, turning his head to the side and looking around desperately for a can of mace or a rape whistle or one of those fork weapons that Raphael uses in the Ninja Turtles, anything to end his vaguely oceanic nightmare. Regrettably, all he sees are snack crumbs and one of Yixing's old guitar picks. Oh god, Yixing. He's never going to want to stick his dick in Jongdae if he finds out he's been despoiled by Chanyeol! Junmyeon or Luhan could be forgiven, but Chanyeol is the kind of dirt you can never wash off.

Jongdae struggles harder, trying to buck Chanyeol off him, and it takes mere seconds for Chanyeol's terrible sense of balance to give into gravity and cause them both to tip over, Chanyeol looming over Jongdae. This position is approximately one million times worse because Jongdae can feel Chanyeol's stiffy pressed hot and insistent against his thigh.

"Help," Jongdae cries pathetically, "Someone. Please, help."

"I'll help you," Chanyeol says with a goofy smirk, sliding his hand between their bodies.

Jongdae squeaks and starts squirming, trying to wriggle out from underneath Chanyeol, but the uncoordinated bastard seems to be getting even more turned on from all the movement and Jongdae flops back down, closing his eyes tightly and preparing himself to accept his fate. This is what he gets for messing with powerful forces that he can not even begin to comprehend. He's never going to do magic (or eat calamari) again!

"Hey, what's going on in here?" a voice asks from the doorway. Jongdae's eyes shoot open as hope blooms fiercely in his chest. Optimistically, he envisions Yixing striding gallant and hale across the room, ready to rescue Jongdae and fold him into his safe, strong arms. Instead, he's disappointed to see Jongin, looking bewildered at the scene on the couch and ready to bolt. Jongin is no Yixing, but Jongdae will take any port in a storm. Unless that port is Chanyeol. Jongdae turns to Jongin pleadingly.

"Get it off me! Get it off me!" Jongdae yells, pushing against Chanyeol's chest. Jongin is across the room in seconds, pulling Chanyeol away and freeing Jongdae from his gross, sweaty grasp.

"Oh thank god, Jongin! You're my hero!" he says, enthusiastically throwing himself at Jongin and clinging to him like his life depends on it. Which honestly, it kind of does, because if Jongdae had to make sex with Chanyeol, he would fucking die. He'd just roll over and be dead because there would be no point to living anymore after having to touch and be touched by Chanyeol's dick. Nothing in life would ever be good again. He burrows into Jongin's arms, letting him rub a soothing hand down his back.

"How about you give your hero a reward then?" Jongin says, his hands sliding from Jongdae's back to his ass and his lips descending towards Jongdae's mouth with all the allure of a hungry trout. Jongdae shrinks back, already feeling the second unwanted boner of the day thrust against his leg, He tries a combination of Growl dance moves and a kind of flopping motion he'd seen a seal do on TV, trying to work his way out of Jongin's now amorous embrace. His mind runs a hundred miles an hour as he mentally prepares himself for defensive regurgitation. Chanyeol's randy behavior could be a disgusting fluke, but with Jongin horned up and ready to go, Jongdae is starting to suspect that not only did his arousal spell work, but maybe it worked a little too well. He needs to get out of here and find somewhere peaceful and quiet, a place where a man can think.

"I have to pee!" Jongdae says, tearing himself from Jongin's arms and running towards the nearest bathroom. As he flees from the living room, the sound of Jongin and Chanyeol's loud moaning increases and Jongdae can only assume that without him there, they have found comfort in each other's arms. Good for Chanyeol, finally getting some of that, but Jongdae can't think about it anymore or he might never sleep again. He tears open the bathroom door and slams it behind him, leaning up against the cool wood and letting out a relieved sigh before realizing he's not alone.

Zitao's laptop sits perched on the edge of the bathtub, the hypnotic beats of one of their own songs blasting out the speakers and echoing around the tiled room, while the man himself is pressed face-to-face against the bathroom mirror, making out with his own reflection with the kind of appreciation that should be reserved for watching Yixing dance or meeting the Pope or something. Definitely not for licking the mirror image of your own face like it's the world's most delicious ice cream cone. This is wrong. So wrong. But like a terrible day-time soap opera, he finds himself unable to look away.

Jongdae watches in horror as Zitao reaches up a hand to stroke his own face, murmuring quietly, "You're the best, Huang Zitao."

He's so wrapped up in himself, Zitao doesn't even seem to realize Jongdae is there. Jongdae could probably sit on the floor and plan his next move and also grow a beard and finally get all the way through War and Peace before Zitao even noticed him. He seriously considers it (better to suffer through the obscene mouth-noises than run into a horny Baekhyun) until Zitao's all-EXO playlist switches songs. As the opening melody to Miracle in December starts playing, Jongdae realizes he's only seconds away from watching Zitao's self-love session with his own voice as the soundtrack. Could he ever sing again after being able to associate his vocals with Zitao's extreme narcissism? Maybe if the sound of dry-heaving could be called singing...

With no other choice, Jongdae arms himself with the toilet plunger (a man has got to be able to defend himself) and flees from the bathroom. The hallway looks safe, with it's bright lights and low accent table covered in vases of fresh flowers, but Jongdae knows that behind every door could be another EXO member waiting for a chance to jump his bones. Or their own. Ugh, Zitao. Shaking his head to clear the terrible mental images that are surely going to haunt him for years to come, Jongdae tries to decide where to go next.

The living room and the bathroom are clearly out. Jongdae is not sure if he's ever going to be able to go into either place ever again. The room he shares with Yixing is only a few doors away and is probably the safest place in the dorm for him to figure out how he's going to get this spell to reverse. The fact that the incantation clearly worked and that there's a high chance Yixing might be in their room and raring to go is just a sexy, sexy bonus.

The journey from the bathroom to his bedroom is short, but terrifying. After each step, Jongdae pauses to collect himself, his head swiveling as he scopes out the length of the hallway for sexual deviants. He's close to his door now, holding the toilet plunger out in front of him with his other hand bracing himself on the table along the wall when a voice from behind startles him. Jongdae springs into action before he even starts processing the words.

"Hey Jongdae, have you noticed everyone acting a little-"

"AHHHHH!!" Jongdae shrieks, dropping the toilet plunger and slamming a vase from the table into Kyungsoo's groin on pure instinct.

Kyungsoo drops like a sack of potatoes, falling to the floor and curling in on himself. Later, Jongdae is going to have a good laugh about the look on Kyungsoo's face when he took that nut-shot, but right now all he can think is how much trouble he's going to be in if he permanently broke Kyungsoo. He's just so tiny. Jongdae doesn't need that kind of heat - he's already going to be locked in the SM dungeon for six months (almost eleven years in idol-time) if they ever find out he was behind this magic fiasco.

"Why did you hit me like that?" Kyungsoo moans, cupping his balls, "And right in the goody bag! How could you do that to another human being?"

"Shhhh, shhhhh," Jongdae says, trying to subtly push Kyungsoo underneath the table, hoping that no one will notice him there. The loud, angry sobbing is pretty hard to miss, though.

"Why'd you do it, man? It hurts so...." Kyungsoo pauses, the hand grabbing his junk now massaging it slowly as he turns to look at Jongdae with eyes clouded with lust, "-good. Wow, it actually feels really good. I feel so alive."

Jongdae's stomach does a kind of horrible flip-flop, like he wants to barf everywhere, but also he doesn't because what if Kyungsoo is into that, too? All this is far too kinky for him. When Jongdae turned to the occult for help with his love life, he did not sign up to watch his bandmates let their freak flags fly. All he wanted was friendly, athletic, vanilla sex with Yixing and maybe a nice cuddle afterwards. Now he needs a lobotomy and a nap.

Abandoning Kyungsoo under the table, Jongdae stands back up and continues his journey down the hallway.

"Wait, Jongdae!" Kyungsoo croaks.

Jongdae looks back at him, wondering if maybe he needs medical attention or an ice pack or something. Jongdae does feel maybe the tiniest bit bad for low-blowing him like that. He cocks an eyebrow, waiting for Kyungsoo to say what he needs.

"Can you hit me once more?"

Jongdae backs away, ass pressed to the wall as he slides the rest of the way down the hall to his bedroom. Forget Kyungsoo and his stupid balls, Jongdae is done with this. He dives into the room, wasting no time slamming the door behind him. From across the room, Yixing tilts his head, his brow furrowed.

"Are you alright?" he asks, closing the distance between them, a concerned hand placed on Jongdae's shoulder. Jongdae laughs nervously and tries not to lean too far into Yixing's warm touch.

"Something really weird is going on out there. Everyone I'm around is going crazy with lust." His eyes seek out Yixing's, searching for any signs of desire. Yixing remains as blank and impassive as always. "What do you think, Yixing? Am I irresistibly sexy today?"

He undoes the top few buttons of his shirt, exposing the smooth planes of his chest and angling his body towards Yixing in what he hopes is a very seductive manner. This is it. After all the trials he had to go through, he's finally going to experience the raw sexual power of Yixing's unicorn horn.

"I don't want to hurt your feelings," Yixing says gently, his hand lightly squeezing Jongdae's shoulder, "But I saw Sehun getting chummy with a banana in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure everyone in our dorm is getting turned on by literally anything right now."

Jongdae's expression falls. Goddamnit. What kind of shitty arousal spell did he cast, that it works on everyone but the intended target? Perhaps he should have done more research besides watching a bunch of episodes of Supernatural. Or is Yixing the problem? As absolutely dream-killing as the thought is, maybe Yixing is asexual, like a very unobservant Sherlock. Jongdae just can't see it, though. There's no way anyone who dances like Yixing isn't a fucking wizard in the sack.

Yixing looks at him thoughtfully. "What I don't understand, though, is why you aren't going mad with lust, too."

"Hey now," Jongdae says defensively, "You aren't trying to hump any of your band mates, either. Even really cute ones who work out a lot to pack as much muscle as they can onto a naturally very tiny frame."

"That's because I have this to protect me against any forms of magic," Yixing says, pulling out an intricate looking talisman from underneath his shirt. Jongdae's mouth hangs open as he stares at the amulet in Yixing's hand. With all the markings and signs, it's clearly some high-level magic shit. Jongdae's head falls back as he laughs. Looks like Yixing isn't just a wizard in the sack...

"You're a man-witch?" he asks between guffaws.

Yixing's mouth turns down and he shoves his talisman back into his shirt. "I prefer the term warlock."

Maybe it's partially from shock, but Jongdae can't stop laughing, his hands slapping his thighs breathlessly. What kind of shitty luck does he have? He somehow harnesses the power of an ancient goddess to do his bidding and it actually works, but the object of his affection has a mystic force-field shielding him? Was Jongdae born on the most inauspicious day of the millennium or something? He glares at the faint outline of the talisman just barely visible through Yixing's shirt. Fucking cock-blocking talisman.

"Why do you even need some kind of magic protection?" he asks, trying to keep from pouting, "It's not like you're the Dovahkiin!"

"Our fangirls are batshit crazy! You've got to protect yourself. Under the tutelage of Lee Soo Man, I took up witchcraft almost immediately after our debut. But unlike others," he says with a pointed glare, "I only use my powers for good. How else do you think a song like Wolf won first place?"

Well, that actually makes a lot of sense. And it's kinda sexy that Yixing is a powerful warlock. He probably even manages to look good in the robes. And if Yixing wasn't going to start making sweet love to Jongdae, maybe he could be useful to him in other ways.

"So," Jongdae says, staring very intently at the wall. He speaks quickly, all his words coming out in one breath. Better to just get this humiliation over as soon as possible. "If I told you the reason everyone is acting like a bunch of fourteen year olds who just found out about erections and can't stop rubbing them against everything is because I thought I could use magic to get you turned on enough to sleep with me, but then I botched the spell and hair from every EXO member managed to get into the cauldron and ended up horning everyone up, do you think there might be something magical you could do to counteract it?"

Yixing's lip press into a thin line as he sits down on the edge of the bed, his hands digging into the soft material of the blanket. "Look, Jongdae, we're gonna have to talk about appropriate ways to express interest in your friend and bandmate later, but right now, it looks like we'll have to work together and get rid of these bewitched boners."

Jongdae loves the way Yixing's mouth looks as he says the word boners, the perfect way his lips curve and extend. And working together to solve a magical crisis? Nevermind that Jongdae is the cause of all their problems in the first place, this is fucking hot. He can't help the happy grin sliding across his face. He hopes the occasion comes up for Yixing to say boners again.

Of course this whole situation would be a lot sexier if they couldn't hear Junmyeon down the hall shouting "What were you naughty boys doing? Mama is going to have to punish you!" followed by the loud smack of skin hitting skin. Jongdae and Yixing share an incredibly awkward look, a silent agreement that they will never, ever mention this again. Unless they need something from Junmyeon.

"Okay, so where do we start?" Jongdae says, eager to drown out the increasingly louder spanking sounds.

"Well, there's some bad news and there's some good news. The good news is that I should be able to make a quick purifying bath to clear off your enchantment."

"Great!" Jongdae says, flooded with relief, "Let's get on it!"

"The bad news is that all my magic supplies are in Minseok's room."

Jongdae sinks down onto the bed next to Yixing. Shit. He's so nervous now, he can't even enjoy the feeling of Yixing's strong thigh against his. How the fuck are they going to get Yixing's stuff out of Minseok's room? More than grabby-hands Baekhyun, more than S&M king Kyungsoo, Minseok is hands down the kinkiest EXO member. Jongdae can't even begin to imagine what he's like all fired up hot and heavy on sex magic. The one time he'd agreed to watch porn with Minseok was (until today) the single most frightening day of his life. It had taken six showers and several hours of Disney princess movies to wash the depravity away.

The memories still plague him.

"Why would you keep your man-witch stuff in Minseok's room?"

"It's just so neat in there and he's got all these little boxes perfect for separating everything out and keeping it all organized. It made a lot sense at the time and it's not like I was thinking oh gee, I better keep all my magic supplies close at hand in case Jongdae tries to lure me in with an arousal spell and it backfires and hits the whole group."

"Touché," Jongdae says, watching the edges of Yixing's mouth fall. His annoyed frown is a bit of a turn-on and Jongdae might be in a little deeper with him than he thought. "Paper, rock, scissors to see who has to go into Minseok's room and get your shit?"

Yixing levels with him an expressionless stare that seems to speak volumes. Jongdae sighs.

"Well it was worth a try... I'm going to need some protection before I go in there, though."

Yixing nods. "Let's prepare you for battle."




"Yixing, you're not going to tell anyone about this, right?"

Yixing laughs, trying to cover his mouth with his hand. "Don't worry, the pictures will say more than I ever could."

Jongdae turns quickly, trying to shield himself while also looking around for any cameras that he's going to have to completely destroy with fire to ensure that no one ever, ever finds out what he looks like with stuffed animals duct-taped around his crotch.

"I'm just kidding," Yixing says, a radiant twinkle in his eye, "This is our secret."

No matter how sexy sharing a secret with Yixing sounds, Jongdae can't help cringing at his reflection in the mirror. Behind him, Yixing gives an encouraging thumbs up, but it fails in raising Jongdae's spirits. There's just no way to feel good while dressed in makeshift protective armor cobbled together from fan-gifts and old stage outfits and all held in place with tape and a set of suspenders from their Christmas Day promotions.

He looks down at his stuffed toy chastity belt. There is a bright pink unicorn placed right over his dick, like a figurehead on the prow of the HMS Skin Flute. This is not the unicorn he wanted all up on his D, but Jongdae likes to think that Yixing taped it there on purpose, that there is some meaning behind the placement. The thought that when this is all over, he might still have a chance with Yixing is the only motivation he has to waddle out of the room and back down the hallway of terror.

"Let's just get this over with," Jongdae says, motioning for Yixing to follow him.

Together, they carefully edge past Kyungsoo, still on the floor under the table. Jongdae valiantly places himself between Yixing and their fallen bandmate. If anyone tries to touch Yixing, they're going to get body-checked. Kyungsoo is still moaning and holding his balls. though whether from pain or pleasure, Jongdae is not even sure if Kyungsoo himself knows. He doesn't take any chances and hurries Yixing past him anyway.

They arrive too quickly at Minseok's door. Hot beads of sweat roll down Jongdae's neck, but he's too nervous to even wipe them away. Yixing grabs his hand and squeezes it comfortingly. For a moment, the warmth of Yixing's fingers is Jongdae's lifeline, his only connection to the world. He takes a deep breath, feeling his chest expand and allowing himself to salvage some shred of bravery. He got them into this mess, he can get them out of it. Pulling a pair of sunglasses over his eyes (he wants to be able to see as little as humanly possible while inside Minseok's room), Jongdae nods at Yixing.

"I'm going in."




Minseok's room is dark, the air thick and hot, and it smells like B.O. and latex. Jongdae enters with cautious footsteps. Yixing said his supplies are in a box under Minseok's bed. Jongdae plans to get in and out quickly, like a cat burglar - agile, stealthy, just a little bit sexy. Damn, he hopes Yixing is watching.

Their manager, lying hog-tied and motionless on the floor in front of the bed is not part of the titillating prowler plan.

Jongdae hurries over to him, feeling wretched. It's bad enough his dumbass EXO members got involved, but now their innocent manager, too? "Hyung, are you okay?" he whispers as quietly as he can. He crouches down in front of the manager, trying to figure out where to start untying the complicated knots, "Don't worry, I'll-"

A voice heavy with arousal interrupts him. Jongdae looks up in horror to see Minseok sitting atop the bed like a king on his throne. The king of what, Jongdae is not sure. Novelty dildos? Ghost-themed erotica? Minseok is dressed head-to-toe in a shiny, black rubber body suit with a zipper on the crotch that Jongdae does not want to think about. He wants to think about growing bulge beneath the zipper even less.

"I assure you, our manager is perfectly fine, Jongdae, but you needn't be coy. I know the real reason you've journeyed into my chambers. And the answer is yes."

Jongdae doesn't even know what the question is, but he is 7000% sure the answer is no. Unless Minseok wants to know if Jongdae is scared, because then the answer is a very resounding yes. He's basically seconds from peeing himself and only two things are keeping him from just letting go: Yixing is just outside the room and Jongdae doesn't think he wants to get with someone who wet his pants and also he doesn't want Minseok to take it as a sign of submission. If Minseok senses weakness, Jongdae will probably end up like their manager. Jongdae stands as tall as he can, trying to look like he's not completely intimidated by Minseok and his weird fetish get-up and also the very frightening loaf of bread in his hands.

Minseok continues on, opening the bread and laying two pieces out on the bed. "Yes, I shall allow you to give in to your desires. Take off your shoes."

Why do Jongdae's toes suddenly feel so vulnerable? They curl tightly in his shoes, sweat starting to dampen his socks. Jongdae desperately doesn't want to take off his shoes, but at the same time, he doesn't want to end up restrained on the floor with the manager, either, so he decides to follow Minseok's orders, toeing off his shoes and standing awkwardly in place.

"The socks, too," the manager says from the floor. Jongdae glares at him and bends down to take off his pink socks.

"What are you even doing in here?" Jongdae whispers, "Your hairbrush wasn't part of the spell!"

"Dude, be cool!" the manager whispers back, "Don't ruin this for me. I've waited so long."

Jongdae flings his socks in the manager's gross face. Seriously, is everyone in these goddamn dorms a freaking sicko? Except Yixing, of course, a shining example of goodness and perfection. Eager to get away from their manager, Jongdae hops up onto the bed and looks to Minseok for further instructions.

"Come closer, Jongdae," he says, patting the spot next to him and the bread. Jongdae hesitates. "I won't bite. Unless you're a really good boy."

Reluctantly, Jongdae totters closer, trying to toe the line between being good enough to deserve some kind of debauched reward and bad enough to receive a punishment. He sits himself equidistant from Minseok and the foreboding slices of white bread, not wanting to be any closer to one or the other. And how is he supposed to get the box of supplies from under the bed while he and Minseok are sitting on top of it? He shouldn't have tried to enter the lion's den without a tranq gun and enough sedative to knock out a Bigfoot.

"What dainty little feet you have," Minseok says, gazing at Jongdae's feet longingly. He grabs one in his hands, causing Jongdae to let out a squeal of fear that he tries to disguise as a laugh. No fear, Jongdae, don't show any fear. Minseok's eyes come back to Jongdae's face, dark and fathomless. "I want you to make me a sandwich."

Jongdae's head tilts to the side as he looks at Minseok questioningly. Surely he must have heard that wrong. Making a sandwich, that's just so... normal. From underneath the pillow, Minseok pulls out a butter knife and two small jars with peanut butter and jelly inside.

"Sure, a sandwich, no problem," Jongdae says, reaching for the bread. Minseok slides it just out range, tutting and rubbing his thumb along the arch of Jongdae's foot.

"No, I want you to make the sandwich with your feet."

"What?" Jongdae asks, his hands frozen in place midair.

Minseok's nails dig into his foot and his voice holds the promise of more pain if he disobeys. "I said to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with your feet, Jongdae, don't make me say it again."

"Yeah, okay," Jongdae says, pulling his foot from Minseok's grasp and trying to pick up the butter knife with his toes. Minseok's eyes stare at his feet with rapt attention and Jongdae realizes this might actually work in their favor. If Minseok is watching Jongdae's podophilia show, Yixing might be able to get the magic supplies while he's distracted. He has to get a message to Yixing.

"I'll just SNEAK IN to this peanut butter jar," he says loudly, "While your EYES are ON ME and TAKE IT OUT."

Minseok nods approvingly. "Nice dirty talk, Jongdae. Unexpected, I like it." His voice deepens. "It's getting me hot." Jongdae's toes are slick with peanut butter and he wants to cry. Thanks a lot, Minseok - yet another food completely ruined for him. Behind Minseok's back, Yixing cracks open the door, slipping inside quietly and dropping onto the floor. Message received. Jongdae moves onto the jelly, sticky clumps of strawberry squishing between his toes as he tries to take his time spreading it across the bread. This is the most disgusting sandwich he's ever seen in his life. Minseok groans and bites his lower lip.

"Fuck, I gotta have that sandwich!" he says, knocking Jongdae's foot away and slapping the pieces of bread together. Jongdae watches, revolted, as Minseok takes the sandwich and shoves it through the zipper in his catsuit. "Delicious," he says, his eyes rolling back into his head as the sandwich smushes against his crotch. Jongdae has no idea if Yixing managed to get the supplies or not, but he can't stand it anymore, he has to get out of here. He starts wiping his toes on the bedspread, getting ready to scamper out, when their manager's voice cries out from the floor.

"Master! There is another!"

Minseok's eyes shoot open. His breaths coming harder and louder when he catches sight of Yixing on the floor beside the bed, box of magic supplies in hand.

"Yes, the innocent unicorn," Minseok chokes out, "Let me defile thy purity!"

Minseok slides off the bed, slithering like a snake in his slick latex bodysuit towards Yixing.

"Nooooooooo!" Jongdae cries, diving on top of Minseok like a man throwing himself on a grenade. It's time for Jongdae to man-up; Yixing shouldn't have to pay for his crimes. Minseok wriggles underneath him, turning into Jongdae and clinging like a koala. Like a disgustingly sweaty koala with a sandwich in his pants. With the kind of certainty he's never felt in his life before, Jongdae realizes this is how he's going to die. Wet and violated. He looks at Yixing, trying to make eye contact one last time. Even through his sunglasses in the dim lighting, Yixing's eyes are still beautiful. Jongdae barely has the strength left inside him to yell, "Go, Yixing! Save yourself!"

Yixing rolls his eyes and sets the box down. "Honestly, am I the only person with any rationality in this entire band?"

While Minseok is distracted with rubbing his peanut-butter crotch all over Jongdae, Yixing unhooks the set of suspenders from Jongdae's makeshift armor and wraps it once around the bed frame before using them to tie up Minseok's hands. When he finally notices what's going on, Minseok is totally into it, holding his wrists and ankles out helpfully so Yixing can tie him up properly.

"Oh yeah, dominate me!" Minseok moans, testing his bonds, "You like to be the boss, don't you, Yixing?"

Yixing finishes securing Minseok to the edge of the bed and stands up, inspecting his work. The ties aren't going to hold for long, but it'll buy them enough time.

"Come on, let's get out of here," Yixing says, grabbing the box of magic supplies with one hand and offering the other to Jongdae. Before dragging Jongdae out into the hallway, Yixing leans down and whispers against Minseok's ear, "Just between you and me: I do like to be in charge."

Jongdae wonders if maybe he got hit just a little by the arousal spell, too. Otherwise he's not sure how he could justify Jongdae Jr.'s stirring in his pants. Maybe he wants a bit more than the plain vanilla stuff with Yixing. In the future. Perhaps after a few years of therapy, when he can think of kinks again without picturing strawberry jam in Minseok's pubes. He allows Yixing to tug him back out into the bright hallway. The corridor is empty now, Kyungsoo and the toilet plunger both mysteriously missing, but Jongdae doesn't waste any time lingering on it. As long as he's not going to get in trouble for it, it's just best if he doesn't know.

An idea suddenly strikes him and he turns around, poking his head back into the room. He catches their manager trying to wriggle closer to the tied-up Minseok. "Oh hey, Manager-hyung! If the higher ups at the company never know about this," Jongdae says, circling his hand around and indicating the dorm and the general lasciviousness within, "Then none of the higher-ups at the company will ever find out about that." He points at the manager's still obvious erection and the bonds holding his limbs together.

Manager-hyung nods. "Yes, I think that would be the most prudent course of action."

Jongdae grins and rejoins Yixing in the hall.




"Oh my god, I can't believe we made it out of there alive!" Jongdae exclaims, collapsing back against the wall. Every breath he takes tastes like freedom.

"I can't believe you made him that sandwich," Yixing says back, checking around in the box to make sure all his supplies are inside. "Everything is here, let's get in the bathroom and get this going before Minseok escapes."

He reaches for the handle of the nearest bathroom door.

"Not that bathroom!" Jongdae warns, "Zitao was in there earlier... despite his own thoughts on the matter, the things I saw were not pretty."

Yixing pauses with his fingers over the door handle. In the silence of the hallway, the sounds of Zitao's husky moans become more than obvious. Worse, Jongdae can make out another voice inside. A very familiar voice.

On one hand, he's incredibly happy that Baekhyun is busy in the bathroom and therefore unable to manhandle him. On the other hand: gross. Much, much worse is when a third voice cries out from inside the bathroom.

"Yessssss," Luhan's wails, "I'm the insides of a hot beef sandwich."

Jongdae gags. He's gonna lose it. There's a BaekTaoHan threesome going on just feet away from him and EXO songs are still playing in the background and he's totally gonna toss his cookies. And did they really have to call it a hot beef sandwich? That's another food Jongdae is never going to be able to eat again. At this rate, he's going to have to live off applesauce and cornflakes.

Yixing grabs his hand, secure and steady, and pulls him further down the hallway. "Come on, let's just use the other bathroom."




Jongdae watches as Yixing throws various herbs into the hot bath water. He wonders if he can call dibs on the purification. He feels like he'll never be clean again. There's still some peanut butter smeared on his pants.

Yixing hums and throws the last of the herbs into the water.

"There, it's done," he says, wiping his hands off on his jeans. The scent of greenery and ozone wafts through the air, reminiscent of Jongdae's earlier attempt at magic, and the water in the tub seems to glow.

"How are we going to get everyone into the tub?" Jongdae asks, secretly jealous that Yixing didn't need to do any chanting or wear robes or anything. Why does he look effortless and cool doing magic while Jongdae looked like a rejected extra from their MAMA music video?

Yixing pokes his head out the door. "ORGY IN THE BATHROOM!" he yells and steps back away from the doorway.

As the thunderous sound of approaching footsteps rings throughout the dorm, Jongdae grins at Yixing. "Good plan."




It doesn't take long to dunk each member into the purifying bath. Cleared from the haze of the arousal spell, most of the members are too embarrassed to stick around, running off as soon as they can. Except Minseok. He's pretty okay with everything, throwing a wink at Jongdae and telling him he can't wait for lunch time. Jongdae shudders and shoves him out the door.

"Hey Yixing?" Jongdae says, watching the last of their soaking wet bandmates making their way out of the bathroom. "Do you think you can make me one of those talismans you have? The Sex Ed. teacher at my high school was right, you should always use protection."

Yixing nods and pats the outline of the talisman over his shirt. "Yeah, of course. In return, how about we go see a movie together? Or make-out on the couch for awhile. After it's been cleaned. Like a hundred times."

He grins, confident and sexy and Jongdae's heart skips a beat, then takes off running and just abandons him altogether.

"By the way," Yixing says, leaning into Jongdae's personal space, a playful twinkle in his eye, "This is an appropriate way to express interest in your friend and bandmate. Leave the magic to the professionals."

And then he leans in and kisses Jongdae, soft and sweet and completely, utterly spellbinding. Jongdae feels tingly from his head to his toes, euphoric like when he's performing on stage. Something so simple as a kiss is surprising effective. Jongdae should have just thought of this from the beginning. It certainly would have saved him an awful lot of trouble.

Then again, if Jongdae hadn't dabbled in the black arts, he and Yixing wouldn't have enough blackmail material on all the members to keep the two of them in designer clutches and MCM backpacks for years to come. And he never would have witnessed the greatest moment of his life: Kyungsoo falling down like a tree in a hurricane, cradling his dick and crying. He wonders if there is some kind of a spell to allow him to go back in time and record that particular moment, for posterity. He grins against Yixing's lips, smiling up at him. He'll have to ask Yixing about it on their date.

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lol omfg XDDDDDDD
i don't even want to know what kind of crazy sexual stuff be going on
you went all out with those crazy kinks or something
freakin' yixing is amazing
but omg jongdae XDDDD poor boy but it worked out yes? XD
i seriously can't believe that though
omg the magic XDDDDD

I already had jongdae using black magic at the start, so I just wrote whatever I wanted with no worries of what anyone would think lol. Thanks for commenting!

While all of this was amazing, I really feel like dragging poor manager hyung into the fray was an extra nice touch that made everything extra kinky. Thank you for writing.

I'm probably going to hell for dragging the manager into it lol. But thank you soooo much, I'm so glad you liked it!

What a Pervy McPerverson. Is no member safe? Get it? Member and 'member'?

(Slinks away before she sees me)

Caught you, bitch! Lurking around, reading stuff, leaving comments with some wordplay! We don't look too kindly on your type around here, kid... (yes we do, everything I write is a trap to lure people to me lol)

this is absolute genius





lord im cryin from laughing


also yixing being in total control of the whole situation


fuck that sounds so sexy

(also......oh god kyungsoo that mustve hurt)

Thank you so sooooo much! I like Yixing in charge, too :D

one marriage please i would like to be your lawfully wedded spouse

My daddy is gonna be so proud it's finally happening for me ; ;

WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST READ OMFG MY POOR VIRGIN EYES IM TOO INNOCENT FOR THIS
lol who am i kidding tHIS FIC IS GENIUS JUST THE THING I NEEDED!!!
ofc jongdae would use black magic to woo yixing i mean is there really any other way??? but yixing, he could probably just play the first few bars of MID on piano, whip his hair a bit and BAM EVERYONE'S FALLING AT HIS FEET
this fic is gr9 the plot is gr9 the writing is gr9 and you're gr10

YOU WERE WARNED!! YOU WERE WARNED!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyone not using black magic to get everything they want IS A DAMN LOSER! The easiest way is always the best way. Always.

LMAO THOSE SEDUCTIVE PIANO SKILLS.

I'm so glad you appreciate my not only next level skills, but my NEXT next level skills. *puts on sunglasses*

ain't nobody got time to actually talk to the person they like and get to know them NO YOU GOTTA GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT JUST USE BLACK MAGIC duh that's like life rule #1

your skills are on the same level as mount everest; only those who want it will be able to reach it. *puts on snow goggles*

Black magic is a flawless plan because IF IT GOES WRONG, JUST USE MORE MAGIC TO FIX IT! Nothing bad could happen using this method. If I could use magic, I would never ever stop using it, I would never get out of bed, WHY DID HARRY POTTER EVER EVEN DO ANYTHING JUST USE MAGIC OK???

/tv commercial voice/ are you in a difficult situation? JUST USE BLACK MAGIC.
magic would make our lives so much easier! why DID harry potter even do anything if he has wonderful magic??? a question i ask myself ALL THE TIME

Seriously Harry, forget the quidditch team (ugh, going outside, seriously???) and walking around to all your classes and stuff, IT IS A MAGIC SCHOOL, COULDN'T THEY BROADCAST ALL THE LESSONS TO YOUR BED??? These wizards did not understand how to properly use magic to their advantage. I am gonna run for Minster of Magic, I'll show them how to correctly live their lives.

Why isn't magic real? :( Man, I'm upset about this now.

ALL THAT MAGIC BUT YOU DON'T EVEN USE IT RIGHT SMH. i will support you throughout your whole campaign to become minister of magic!! you're really the best choice here. CORNELIUS FUDGE YOU BETTER WATCH OUT.

JUST BELIEVE AND YOU WON'T BE SAD ANYMORE! #lifeprotip

Once I am Minister, I WILL ABUSE ALL MY POWERS AND DO WHATEVER I WANT! THEY WILL REGRET BRINGING ME INTO A POSITION OF AUTHORITY!!! You can be my vice-minister (???) and we can bring about a reign of terror on the magical community, THE LIKES OF WHICH THEY HAVE NEVER BEFORE SEEN!!!

Plus we can get them to stop wearing those damned robes, THAT CAN'T BE HANDY FOR YOUR EVERYDAY LIFE!

if they don't choose you as minister magic, well it's their loss hmph *flips hair*. AS VICE MINISTER I SHALL SUPPORT YOU THROUGH EVERYTHING especially with getting rid of those lame robes ugh they're so inconvenient.

when you're fighting off dark wizards, YOU DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID ROBE TO GET IN YOUR WAY! that's why everyone should just wear the totally cool clothes from our super cool 5ever clothing line!

Lmao, you know, if anyone ever tries to read this comment section, they're gonna think we're not right in the head, BUT IDGAF, I WILL CONTINUE TO IMAGINE MYSELF AS A WIZARD AS MUCH AS I WANT!!!

lmao you're right this conversation spiralled WAY out of control but we're totally awesome and believing in magic is definitely totally awesome so *shrugs*

Silly cat, sandwiches are for humans.

Also you are too fat for sandwiches. God I hope that's winter weight.

But I'm serious, Henry, you better not be using my laptop when I'm not home.

I DONT UNDERSTAND. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY I DIDNT FINISH THIS AS SOON AS YOU POSTED IT! I have been cringing and crying and laughing for Jongdae (MY POOR JONGDAE LOL SUCH A RIDICULOUS GUY) throughout and I'm just so so so happy with this! plus, the Supernatural and Sherlock and HARRY POTTER references and MINSEOK IN GENERAL and Yixing as the only sensible member.

Okay, just. In conclusion, I really had so much fun reading this and I don't know how to give a proper comment that makes sense but this was funny and enjoyable and felt like I was reading an adventure, whiiiich, I practically was, right? the Jongdae's dick adventure. HAHAHAH. okay wow I guess that's all I want to say that I can remember lol good job!

I don't think anything I wrote was half as funny as your damn dick-wand, but I tried my best and I'm so glad you appreciate my effort :D:D Forever grateful for all the support you gave me while writing, AND THANK YOU FOR READING AND LEAVING ME A COMMENT, YOU'RE SO SWEET ♥♥♥

SMACKS YOU WITH MY LOVE

PRETENDS THAT IM GIVING YOU A PLAY-BY-PLAY OF THIS ENTIRE FIC

BUT ALAS I AM STILL HALF ASLEEP BUT KNOW THAT THE ENTIRE TIME I WENT

'i knew it.'

*pretends to read a full play-by-plan of the entire fic* WOW YOU HAD SUCH ORIGINAL THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS! NOW WE CAN PRETEND TO HAVE SOME REALLY DETAILED DISCUSSIONS ABOUT IT!!

/PRETENDS WE'RE IN A BOOK-ISH FANFIC CLUB WHERE WE DISCUSS ABOUT THE SYMBOLISMS BEHIND EVERY MEMBERS' KINK ESP MINSEOK'S

The sandwich, with it's pure white bread and childish ingredients, represents an idealized, healthy and loving relationship. Minseok craves the sandwich, but at the same time, he cannot help his profligate sexualization of the sandwich.

He.... might need therapy.

OMG BUT A FANFIC CLUB, WHY DOESN'T THAT EXIST??? Or does it exist and no one invited me??? ; ;

IM SCREAMING AT MINSEOK'S CHARACTER ANALYZATION. yes... i think he might possibly need therapy. i mean, it's totally up to him but it's strongly suggested.

IF A FANFIC CLUB EXISTS I'LL BE THE MEMBER WHO'S ALWAYS BEHIND ON HER READING!!!!!

I was honestly laughing so hard throughout this - it was amazing and beautiful and ridiculous and the way Yixing just calmly asks Jongdae out at the end...perfect.

Omg thank you so much!! I really liked the idea that jongdae was trying way way way too hard when all he had to do was just tell Yixing he liked him. jongdae who tries too hard and Yixing who is accepting of him is my favorite way to write them. :D

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