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The Siren Call and the Porcelain Throne
zyx
helaas
Title: The Siren Call and the Porcelain Throne
Pairing: Jongin/Yixing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5.4k
Summary: Jongin keeps hearing a beautiful voice around campus and struggles to find the owner. Baekhyun is not helpful.
Notes: Written for Round 1 of kaixingforyou





Jongin’s thighs clench, his stomach tensing up in anticipation as he slowly lowers himself down. Blissfully, his eyes slide closed and he lets out one long, slow breath, willing his body to relax. He’s waited all night for this.

Jongin’s early morning bowel movement is a treasured moment of pure tranquility in an otherwise hectic (why did he ever become friends with Baekhyun?) and far too loud (seriously, Baekhyun) life. Since he moved into the college dorm two years ago, peace and quiet are rare and he’s come to really enjoy his early bird poop, before the hustle and bustle of the day starts. As he settles down on the toilet seat, his pants pooled around his ankles and a cute dogstagram loaded up on his phone (today is the day he finally tackles the Alaskan Klee Kai tag!), he hears the bathroom door creaking open. Shit, Jongin thinks, trying to do anything but that. Peeking through the crack in the stall door, he can just see the very edge of someone standing in front of the urinals and he lets out a small, relieved breath. Okay, great, a quick pee and then they’ll be out the door and Jongin can get back to starting his day off right.

He hears the slide of a zipper, the smack of a hand hitting the tiled wall behind the urinals and then over the sound of urine splashing on porcelain, inexplicably, the voice of a goddamn angel. This stranger is singing a Nicki Minaj song so sweetly and earnestly that, for a moment, Jongin feels transported from the gross communal bathroom to a private box seat at Carnegie Hall. Or at least a very nice local theatre production. Jongin is far from an expert on amazing voices, but this one in particular is so attractive to him, so alluring, that he almost falls into the toilet in excitement. He has to meet this bathroom angel!

Except, of course, he’s half-naked, poised to defecate, and hasn't brushed his hair or teeth yet and maybe it’s not such a great idea to blitzkrieg a dude just trying to take a leak in the wee hours of the morning with a confession like HI I LOVE YOU, LET’S WATCH DISNEY MOVIES TOGETHER AND YOU CAN SING ALL THE SONGS AND I’LL JUST LISTEN QUIETLY. This is the exact opposite of what Jongin would want in a confession. There should at least be a puppy involved somehow. Bathroom Angel deserves a puppy, Jongin can just tell. No, this is definitely not something he can rush. Jongin is going to have to be cool about this, bide his time and gather some information.

He’s going to have to spy on this dude peeing.

Just to be clear, Jongin would normally never try to watch someone peeing - he would rather not even make eye contact, let alone dick-to-eye contact - but these are extenuating circumstances. Needs must and all that, he thinks, leaning forward as far as he can.

Jongin keeps his eye pressed to the crack in the stall door, desperate for some clue as to the owner of the heavenly voice. A face, a letterman’s jacket, a class schedule, anything to help him find the bathroom angel again. Preferably when he’s dressed, showered and has just enjoyed a refreshing Tic-Tac. Fresh breath is so important. Unfortunately, he can’t see anything from his vantage point except maybe the edge of a purple backpack? Damn it, who designed these bathrooms?? Clearly not some kind of a pervert trying to feast one’s eyes on another dude taking a tinkle!

All too soon, the urinal flushes, hands are washed and Jongin is once again alone in the bathroom. He sighs and flops back against the toilet seat. The voice lingers in his mind and his heart beats painfully in his chest.




It’s not like Jongin is purposely loitering around the toilet, waiting for the bathroom angel to show up again. That would be weird and vaguely stalkerish. Despite his penchant for sci-fi novels and anime, Jongin is not a loser, okay? He just really likes to hang out in the toilet. Like that one ghost from Harry Potter. No one thought Moaning Myrtle was strange, right? Jongin can’t help it if the bathroom’s mildewed floors are very visually interesting. And the toilet seat is, like, super comfy. That’s why he’s been getting up an hour early every day, making sure to brush his teeth and put on clean clothes before sitting in his favorite toilet stall for an hour or two every morning. The comfort. And, I mean, if he happened to casually run into his beautiful-voiced crush while chilling in the bathroom, that would just be a really nice coincidence. Serendipitous, some might even say.

So, after three days of listening to random strangers’ explosive diarrhea and strangely fragrant urinations with no sign of a cute guy (Jongin can just tell he’s cute) singing while peeing, it’s not exactly disappointment that Jongin feels, but more like a sense of anticlimax. Like waiting with your hands over your ears for a loud sound that never comes. Honestly, he’s not sure what to think about the bathroom angel anymore. Maybe last Wednesday was the first and only time he ever used this bathroom. Maybe he doesn’t live in this dorm (Jongin tries so, so hard to not think of why his precious bathroom angel would be in a dorm he doesn’t live in in the middle of the night) or even go to this school. Maybe he was a fucking ghost. Jongin has no ideal what the deal is and honestly, he’s pretty tired of waiting around in the bathroom and trying not to look creepy as fuck. He quietly gives up on this small dream of his (goodbye, bathroom angel, you’ll always be beautiful in my memories) and continues on with his life.

So of course, it is when he least expects it that he hears the voice again. He has just arrived outside the door of Kyungsoo’s recital practice room three minutes early and is trying to burrow deeper inside the neck of his sweater while hoping no strangers try to talk to him when he hears it. The voice. The voice! It’s barely audible, singing quietly, but Jongin would recognize that voice anywhere. His bathroom angel! In an instant he’s on alert, straining his ears to hear where it’s coming from. Hopefully not the toilet, this time…

He takes a few cautious steps down the hallway, lured by the siren call of the voice. What is it about this voice that has such a strong pull over Jongin? Even he is not sure, but it’s just so nice and so sweet and Jongin wants to eat ice cream with it and ride the ferris wheel with it and when the weather gets cold and chilly and they’re walking home together late at night, Jongin wants to hold this voice’s hand in his. He’s in deep.

Turning the corner of the hallway, his hands start to sweat. A bit further ahead, he catches sight of the purple backpack again, messy black hair and black jeans. It’s him - he’s a real life human boy, not a fucking ghost! Jongin lets out a relieved breath and his heart starts to beat faster. He wipes his damp hands on his pants, trying desperately to think of something to say.

Hello nice-voiced stranger, do you want to cuddle?

God, that sounds creepy, even to Jongin, and he’s watched a lifetime of anime. Even the gross stuff. No, he’s gotta be cool. Suave. He’s gotta…. get through this huge crowd of people? Out of fucking nowhere, the hallways fill with masses of students and in moments, the bathroom angel is lost to the swarm of people exiting the nearby classrooms. Jongin’s heart sinks as he casts his eyes around the crowd desperately. He fails to catch a glimpse of a purple backpack or that messy black hair. Fuck. He was so close! He saw him! Jongin should have called out to him (HEY WAIT A MINUTE, GUY WHO SINGS WHILE PEEING, I WANT YOU TO BE MY BOYFRIEND), or chased him down and tackled him, or thrown a ninja star at his calf, downing him in the hallway so he could catch up. Okay, well, maybe some of those might be a bit extreme? But he should have done something! How could he just let the bathroom angel slip through his clammy fingers like that?

He sinks back against the wall, burying his head in his hands as people flood past him. Jongin is not used to a lack of success in his life and having twice failed to meet the bathroom angel makes him feel lower than low. Normally, he’s the one avoiding people, he’s never had the problem of someone eluding him. Still, if he looks at the situation rationally, this wasn’t a complete loss. He did find out something about his bathroom angel. This entire hallway is part of the music department and if the bathroom angel was here at this time of day, it’s reasonable to assume that he’s a music major. And it just so happens that Jongin has friends in this department. There’s a good chance that one of them might actually already know the bathroom angel!

With slightly higher spirits, Jongin heads back to meet up with Kyungsoo.



There’s a thin sliver of hope in Jongin’s heart that maybe Kyungsoo will be able to come through for him and save him from being forced into Baekhyun’s company. After all, Kyungsoo is in the music department, too, and he, um, knows people? Maybe? On the way to the library to meet up with Kyungsoo’s lab partner, Jongin tries to describe his mystery man (voice that makes you want to adopt orphaned children, might like the color purple, sings while peeing), but quickly realizes Kyungsoo is going to be no help at all when he fails to even be able to name the accompanist for his recital piece (dark-haired guy?) or his lab partner (the mouth-breather?!).

“Look,” Kyungsoo says, glancing up from his book to give Jongin the kind of scowl that would cause a lesser being to wither. Today, though, Jongin is not a lesser being: he’s on a mission! He has the strength to withstand Kyungsoo’s strongest, most murderous expressions. For a minute or two, at least. “Why don’t you just ask for help from your annoying friend… Clarence? I hate him as much as everyone else, but that gossipy bitch knows everyone on campus. He’ll not only be able to tell you who this guy you are looking for is, but probably also his shoe size, what kind of pet he had growing up and his preferred kind of underwear.”

Jongin tries not to blush at the mention of underwear. Even though technically they both had their dicks out when they had their first encounter, Jongin is not ready to think about his bathroom angel in any way except as sweet and pure and all that is good in life. He’s milk chocolate and Jongin has a sweet tooth. He nods once, resigned.

“I guess you’re right, I’ll just leave you and, um, mouth-breather to your studying then?”

“Hey!” Kyungsoo’s lab partner says, affronted, “I have a name! Chanyeol! CHAN-YEOL! It’s only two syllables.. That’s one less than mouth-breather!”

“Shut up and keep working, mouth-breather,” Kyungsoo says, already buried back in his text book.

Jongin throws the mouth-Chanyeol a pitying look and leaves quietly. Although he almost surely knows everyone in the entire vocal department, Jongin would rather eat a handful of live bees than ask Baekhyun for help, but seeing as how Kyungsoo was as good as worthless and Jongin doesn’t really have any other friends, Baekhyun is his last resort.




Jongin takes a deep, fortifying breath, letting the air sit in his lungs before slowly letting it back out. He can do this. He can fucking do this.

Forcing his hand into a trembling fist, Jongin knocks on Baekhyun’s dorm room door with trepidation. Hmmm, trepidation is not quite a strong enough word. There must be something more expressive to describe the true horror Jongin feels upon lurking outside the cave of the beast. Forcing his hand into a trembling fist, Jongin knocks on Baekhyun’s dorm room door with nipple-tingling fear. There, that sounds about right.

Almost too quickly, as though he had been peeking under the door and waiting for Jongin’s arrival, Baekhyun’s badly disguised voice calls from within, “Do you have an appointment?”

“An appointment?” Jongin asks, one eyebrow creeping slowly up his face as he wonders what the hell Baekhyun is playing at. Please don’t let Baekhyun be dressed as a secretary. Please, please don’t let him be wearing thigh-highs. Jongin is not sure if he’ll be able to live through Baekhyun confusing a text message from him as a pick-up line again.

The door swings open sharply, hitting the wall with a bang as Baekhyun throws himself through the doorway. He’s not dressed as a sexy, strangely hairy woman, so that’s a plus, but burying himself in Jongin’s arms is definitely not much better. “With Dr. Baek, the love doctor!” Baekhyun says, greasy like badly fried chicken. Except no, wait, Jongin likes fried chicken. Greasy like pizza? Damnit, no, pizza is delicious. Greasy like… the paper underneath the fried chicken? Yeah, sure. That one is fine.

“Ew, get off me!” Jongin says, trying to back away. He knew this was not a good fucking idea; there’s nothing in the world worth being in intimate physical contact with Baekhyun, unless, maybe, it meant never ever having to touch Baekhyun again. Jongin could be down with that. A lot of people probably would. They could make it a contest, whoever holds out the longest is the winner. Jongin would definitely win, he has strength and perseverance in spades. Plus he can hold in his pee for a really long time. Like, really long. He’s strangely proud of this ability that basically only comes in handy on long road trips with disgusting rest stops. Wait, what was he supposed to be doing again? Oh right, a terribly misguided attempt to ask Baekhyun for help… Honestly, he’d rather think about gas station bathrooms. “I’m going to go now.”

Baekhyun pouts at him, his eyes turning to slits, “Dr. Baek, the love doctor, doesn’t like your attitude, Jongin.”

“Can you please stop referring to yourself as Dr. Baek? It’s-”

Baekhyun coughs and looks at Jongin expectantly. Jongin rolls his eyes.

“Oh for fuck’s sake! Can you please stop referring to yourself as Dr. Baek, the love doctor? It’s making me very uncomfortable.”

Baekhyun shrugs, disentangling himself from Jongin and slithering back inside his room. “Fine. I guess you don’t need Dr. Baek, the love doctor’s, help then. Have fun being alone the rest of your life.”

He reaches out, intending to close the door in Jongin’s irritated face. With each fraction of an inch that the door closes, Jongin sees his chance of finding the bathroom angel again dropping and dropping. His teeth clench, a light sweat breaks out across his upper lip. Damnit.

“Wait, please,” Jongin says, an arm extended out to stop Baekhyun from slamming the door. Baekhyun pauses, looking at him impatiently. Jongin sighs and checks that the hallway is mostly empty. Then checks again. A triple-check would not be out of the question. He sets his shoulders like a mean heading off to battle. “Please help me, Dr. Baek.”

Baekhyun tilts his head, waiting. Jongin feels a bit of his soul dying as he quietly whispers, “The love doctor.”

Baekhyun grins and lets the door swing open again, pulling Jongin inside. Baekhyun’s room smells like a disturbing mix of Bengay and pixie sticks. It is dark like the depths of hell, as though no light could exist within such a place of evil. This is where Baekhyun lives, where he masturbates. There are no gods here.

Baekhyun settles onto the desk chair, arranging himself in what he probably thinks is a very professional, doctorly way of sitting. Instead, he mostly looks like he’s posing for a very specialized cheesecake calendar. Mean Boys in Eyeliner in College Dorm Rooms. Jongin struggles not to picture it. He perches delicately on the edge of the bed and tries not to touch anything.

“So, you said in your text that you’re looking for someone? Finally interested in boning something besides your anime body pillow?” Baekhyun says loudly, spinning around in the desk chair to slap Jongin on the back and just being a bag of dicks in general. Jongin tries to hide how jolted he feels from this sudden blow. How the fuck did Baekhyun learn about Cecily?? That was supposed to be a secret between him and the ebay user who sold it to him (don’t judge him, okay? He washed it twice before putting it on his bed)! Jongin knew this was a terrible idea. No social interaction with Baekhyun has ever ended well.

“Shut up, asshole, I don’t want to bone him, I want to kiss snowflakes off his eyelids and start a dog-sled team with him and we’ll move to Alaska and spend our nights curled up together watching the Northern Lights.”

Because he does not believe in romance or anything good in life, Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “If you keep saying weirdly specific gay shit like that, I’m not going to help you,” he says, shaking his head at Jongin, “What can you tell me about this guy you’re all googly-eyed about?”

“He has a purple backpack, black hair, and a voice like tinkling bells and sunshine,” Jongin responds immediately.

Baekhyun glances down at his own mauve Jansport, a growing look of horror on his face, “Dude, is this some weird loser way of confessing to me? Because, I mean, your body is nice and we could probably hook up a couple times, but I’m really not interested in being your life-long cuddle buddy.”

“Ew, NO!” Jongin says, trying to bleach out the mental image of hooking up with Baekhyun from his mind. Dear god, the noises he would make. The faces he would make while making those noises. No. Nooooo. Jongin might hurl. He eyes Baekhyun’s backpack as a possible barf-bag. “This guy is real, okay? He peed in the dorm bathroom at 6:38 a.m. last Wednesday.”

Baekhyun shakes his head at Jongin. Disappointment rolls off him in smug waves. He shakes his head with a holier-than-thou attitude that only serves to reinforce Jongin’s belief that this was really a fucking terrible idea. “My dear boy,” he says like a pompous asshole, “If you saw him in the bathroom, why didn’t you just hang out around there until he showed up again? Basic stalking protocol.”

“I wouldn’t have come here if hanging out outside the bathroom worked! I took hour-long poops for three days in a row waiting around for him!”

“Are you dumb? We’re in college, everyone has that one weird, horrible early morning class they couldn’t get out of. You have to wait on Wednesday!

Jongin’s mouth opens and closes a few times. That…. makes a lot of sense? The universe must be collapsing in on itself. He nods slowly. Yes, Wednesday, of course. He should have thought of that himself. His heart soars. Bathroom Angel, I’m coming!!!

“Great, so I’ll see you in your dorm’s bathroom, around five or so on Wednesday,” Baekhyun says, prodding Jongin towards the door.

“What? No! Why would you come?”

“To help you, duh,” Baekhyun says, shoving Jongin out the door and slamming it behind him, “See you Wednesday, Jongin! It’s a date!!”

“No, it’s not!” Jongin calls back through the wood.

“Yes, it is.”




Waiting the next several days proves to be excruciating for Jongin. He can’t get his bathroom angel out of his head. The sound of his voice haunts him. He hears it in droplets of fresh morning rain and the soft cooing of doves and the cheerful beeping of the microwave when his bean and cheese chimichanga is done.

In the moments when he’s not so lovestruck by the memories of his voice, Jongin wonders what kind of a person the bathroom angel is (he doesn’t worry about his physical appearance because Jongin is without a doubt, 100% sure that the bathroom angel is gorgeous, there’s just no way he can’t be). He wonders if he’s kind and bright and most importantly, if he loves dogs. On one hand, Jongin wants to believe that someone with such a sweet little pixie voice could only have a similarly good personality, but on the other hand, Baekhyun has a nice voice, too.

He lies awake in his room, staring at the ceiling and holding Cecily close to his chest and praying that the days until Wednesday go by quickly.




When Jongin didn’t smack Baekhyun in the face for suggesting it agreed to the stakeout in the bathroom, he had no idea he would have to sit together with Baekhyun in one tiny, gross toilet stall. For hours. He tries to get himself through this unpleasant ordeal with thoughts of his bathroom angel. Sometime today, he’s going to meet him! Jongin can’t wait to see his face and hear his sweet voice and to, um… enjoy other great qualities that he almost definitely has?

“Flamin’ Hot Cheeto?” Baekhyun offers, holding out the bag with red-tinged fingers. He’s been munching on them for the past seven minutes like they’re at some sort of adolescent slumber party. Jongin is surprised he hasn’t broken out an old Mall Madness game or a Ouija board. There’s no telling what kind of weird shit he’s got in his mauve (it’s not purple, okay) backpack. Then again, maybe the spirits from the Ouija board could help guide Jongin. They would almost certainly be more helpful than Baekhyun.

“You know we’re in a toilet, right?”

“Yeah, so what? I eat in the toilet all the time,” Baekhyun says. He pops another Cheeto into his mouth and chews obnoxiously. Jongin holds back a grimace. This is torture. Are the gods testing him, to see if he is worthy of such a heavenly being as the bathroom angel? This is the only explanation that Jongin can come up with that makes any sense. Or that he has unwittingly committed some kind of huge cosmic mistake and being stuck in a confined space with Baekhyun is his divine punishment. That makes a lot of sense, too.

From the other side of their shared toilet seat, Baekhyun licks his fingers and cocks an eyebrow at Jongin. “So, do you think your friend Kyungsoo wants to go out with me?”

Seriously, Baekhyun! This is not a sleepover, this is a strictly business lavatory surveillance mission for a guy that Jongin saw peeing once! They are not twelve year old girls and Jongin does not want to talk about boys with him!

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t,” Jongin says, shifting uncomfortably and trying to keep his clothes (he specially dressed in his best hoodie and jeans today!) from touching anything else around him. The toilet looks like it has cooties. ”He thinks your name is Clarence.”

“I could pretend to be Clarence if he’ll lay on top of me.”

“That’s disgusting, he hates you,” Jongin says, pulling his arms in tightly. He’s not sure what is worse at this point, the possibility of his elbows grazing Baekhyun or touching the toilet stall wall. The toilet paper holder looks pretty suspicious, too. Let’s not even talk about the toilet brush. Someone needs to make a complaint about the janitorial staff. Not him, because he doesn’t like to cause a scene, but someone definitely should.

“God, I know - it gets me so fucking hot.”

Jongin stares back, horrified. Puppies. He needs to think of puppies. Pancake syrup. Rodeo clowns. Anything to erase the mental image of Baekhyun all hot and bothered over his best friend. It’s so hard though with Baekhyun so close to him, his fake-cheese-scented exhales spilling out across Jongin’s cheek hot and damp.

“You go stand on the other side of the stall. Far, far away from me,” Jongin orders, just as he hears the bathroom door open. For a moment, it feels like time freezes. Jongin’s heart beats loudly in his chest. This is it! It’s finally happening! His bathroom angel has arrived! Jongin leans forward, peeking out the crack in the stall door. Black hair, purple backpack, and a beautiful face! Yes! Jongin knew he was hot!!

“It’s him,” Jongin whispers, hardly daring to believe that Baekhyun’s dumb plan is actually working. Maybe Baekhyun is not as bad as he seems? Baekhyun takes the opportunity to smear his Cheeto-dusted hand across the back of Jongin’s (nicest!) hoodie. Nevermind, he’ still a douche. Jongin concentrates on the bathroom angel instead. The moment almost feels sacred - he’s in the same room with the bathroom angel! How can Jongin be so lucky? As if on cue, the bathroom angel unzips his pants and begins to sing quietly under his breath. It’s lovely, like springtime and birds singing. No, scratch that: it’s a fucking religious experience.

“Get out of the way, let me see!” Baekhyun hisses, jostling Jongin to the side. “Ooooooh,” he says gleefully, “You like Yixing! He’s waaaaaay out of your league.”

“Shut up! He is not! We’re in the exact same league! Let me look again,” Jongin says, trying to nudge Baekhyun away from the vantage point. He’s waited a whole week to see the bathroom angel again, he’s not ready to stop seeing him yet.

“Hey wait, I think I can see his dick!” Baekhyun says, eye glued to the crack.

“Don’t you dare look!” Jongin cries, shoving Baekhyun as hard as he can. Damn, he’s strong for a little guy, though. Baekhyun shoves back with equal force, elbowing Jongin in the gut and there’s no way in hell Jongin is gonna take that shit from a slimey, weasley little Peeping Tom. He slams Baekhyun against the stall door and maybe, just maybe, he pushes just a little too hard because with a bleak, ominous crack, the lock breaks open and Jongin and Baekhyun tumble to the floor. The bathroom angel’s beautiful voice stops singing at the sound of the loud crash. He turns around, a look of surprise on his face.

Lying on a dirty bathroom floor with a furious Baekhyun on top of him is not the way Jongin wanted the bathroom angel to see him for the first time. This is not the way he wants anyone to see him. Ever. Jongin freezes in place. Maybe if he just closes his eyes, he can wake up and this will all have been a dream? In his dreams, though, Baekhyun would never have kind of a stiffy poking insistently into his hip. God, he’s gross. Was it the fighting, was it the unclean bathroom setting, or was it watching another dude peeing that turned Baekhyun on? Jongin really, really doesn’t want to know. He can go the rest of his life without ever knowing as long as Baekhyun just gets off of him and he never has to experience this again.

“Wait, stay right where you are!” the bathroom angel exclaims, his voice filled with worry as he quickly washes his hands and then kneels down on the floor next to them. “Are you okay? Does anything hurt?”

Only his ego. Jongin sits up, pushing Baekhyun off him, “No, no, I’m fine.”

“I think I broke something,” Baekhyun whines. Jongin totally ignores him, because wow, the bathroom angel is so pretty up close and his voice is so sweet and nice and barring all that time spent with Baekhyun, this is seriously the best day of Jongin’s life. The bathroom angel leans down and puts his hand on the edge of Jongin’s jaw. He’s paying no attention to Baekhyun, his hand is warm and his breath is so minty fresh. He’s perfect.

“You’re Jongin, right?”

Jongin tries to keep himself from spontaneously combusting. Could this day get any better?? THE BATHROOM ANGEL KNOWS HIS NAME! Deep breaths, Jongin, deep breaths.

“Y-yes?” he says, barely managing to get the word out due to his excitement. He feels like he’s just danced six hours straight and his heart is going to explode in his chest.

“Sorry, I’m not a creepy stalker or anything, I’m Yixing and I actually play the piano for your friend Kyungsoo’s recital piece?” the bathroom ang-Yixing says.

A light-switch flips on in Jongin’s brain. Dark-haired guy! Damnit, Kyungsoo…

Oblivious to Jongin’s internal tongue-lashing of his best friend, Yixing continues on, “I’ve seen you around a few times and you look really cool when you dance and your smile is really nice and well, I know it’s kind of ridiculous to try and pick someone up in a bathroom of all places, but since the opportunity is presenting itself… do you want to go get a coffee together before my first class starts? I mean, if you’re at all interested.”

Interested? Jongin is enamoured. A million thoughts pass through Jongin’s mind in the span of three seconds. He’s just barely gotten over the fact that Yixing knows his name, and now he’s being asked out? Is he dreaming? Like, no, seriously. Is this a dream? He digs his thumbnail into the pad of his finger. It stings. This is the best day ever! He feels like every single minute spent with Baekhyun today was totally worth it. That’s pretty amazing.

Yixing looks at him expectantly, his eyes bright and kind.

“Yes. Coffee, yes, good,” Jongin says, pulling himself up off the floor. He smiles and reaches for Yixing’s hand. It fits perfectly inside of his. Yixing smiles back at him.

“Seriously, is no one going to help me up?” Baekhyun says, watching Jongin and Yixing walking away hand-in-hand. “Come on guys! Guys? Guys? Okay, wait, I’ll get up on my own, but how about a threesome? Seriously? Guys?”

Jongin feels no qualms in letting the door slam behind them on the way out.




Six months later, Jongin and Yixing have their own apartment off campus, far far away from cinderblock walls, dirty communal bathrooms, and Baekhyun. Not that this has stopped them from seeing Baekhyun several times a week (for some reason Yixing thinks he’s hilarious and loves to be around him, this is Yixing’s one and only fault), but Jongin is willing to make sacrifices for him. After all, when Baekhyun leaves, Yixing likes to cuddle on the couch with him and their dog (Jongin was right, his bathroom angel really did deserve a puppy) and watch Disney movies. And he sings all the songs, every time. Listening to Yixing’s voice, Jongin feels so warm and comfortable and altogether, he would say his life is perfect.

So it is a bit of a surprise when, sitting alone in their bedroom one day, Jongin hearts a voice, one that he has never heard before, but makes him feel like he has a hook in the gut. A voice that calls to him, a voice he yearns to hear. The voice.

It’s not soft and sweet and made of marshmallow fluff like Yixing’s voice. No, this voice is deeper, rougher, and instantly magnetic. Seductive. Jongin wants to hear more. He licks his lips nervously as he quietly steps out towards the hallway. It won’t hurt just to take a peek, right? It’s not like he’s planning on leaving Yixing for some other guy with a great voice, he just wants to match a face to this sexy, mysterious voice.

As he cranes his head around the corner, though, Jongin only sees Yixing standing there, phone pressed up to his ear. Yixing’s face lights up as he catches sight of Jongin.

“Hey, I’m just talking to my friend Luhan. I’ll be done in a minute,” Yixing says, smiling at Jongin as he switches back into rapid-fire Mandarin. Jongin gawks at him. What kind of voodoo magic is this that Yixing can sound so sweet and innocent in one language and then so seductive in another? Does this mean he has some kind of a voice fetish or just a Yixing fetish? Jongin stares at Yixing in open-mouthed wonder. Unaware, Yixing continues his phone call. Jongin’s knees go weak.

Heaven help him.
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i just want you to know that if you really ever do write a novel and publish it i'll pre-order it immediately

But as the publishing date looms closer and closer, the remorse will set in and you will cancel your pre-order. What were you thinking, you'll say to yourself, shaking your head and letting out a soft, self-depreciating sigh. Instead, you will make the much better purchase of those sweet illustrated Harry Potter books. GOOD CALL!

HDU?!?! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD BUY BOTH THE SERIES (preferably the glow in the dark covers+pop up illustrations one) AND YOUR DEBUT NOVEL.

/throws my bank statement at you LOOK AT ALL THE SHIT I SPEND MY MONEY ON. I ALWAYS REGRET MY PURCHASES THE MOMENT I CLICK THE CHECKOUT BUTTON

lmao, I am learning so much about you so quickly. You're mentally unstable, bad with finances, AND YOU LIKE HARRY POTTER.... WE'RE GONNA GET ALONG SO WELL!!!

not that i'd want to have cement your opinion but..........................

xingdae is my ult otp. so good job, let's go to hell together! /drags jongdae along

Yesssssss, NOW I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON!!

I DONT WANT TO BE CALLED A GOOD PERSON BY YOUOUUUOUOYOUOU

but since its a compliment i'll gladly take it and print out and post it up on my bedroom wall

You can send it to my manager with a self-addressed-stamped-envelope and I will sign it for you. NO PERSONAL COMMENTS, THOUGH, I AM A VERY BUSY PERSON!!

Also my manager is my cat, you might have to throw some Friskies in the envelope.

YOUR MANAGER IS A CAT?? I CANT EVEN GET MY CAT TO STAY ON MY LAP WITHOUT GETTING SCRATCHED.

how about a trade? i feed my cats orijen so his coat is super shiny

My cat is very skilled in communication. One of his meows sounds like he's saying "mama". He's a fucking gift.

I tried to get my cats to eat Orijen but they didn't like it. :( Now they eat this food with this angry german cat glaring at me from the front of the bag. Remember when this used to be a comments section for my fic and then somehow it turned into a cat nutrition message board???? THIS IS THE TRUE PURPOSE OF MY LIVEJOURNAL!!!!!!!!

MY CAT SOUNDS LIKE A BROKEN VIOLIN ugfhghgfhgufh can you bottle your cat's voice and maybe sell it to me?

my cats get tired of orijen and i go 'DO YOU KNOW THAT EVEN I DONT EAT FREE RUN CHICKEN'

yes, this is the place to go to when you're wondering what catfood suits your cats dietary needs uwu im glad i can contribute as a fellow cat owner 5/5 stars would recommend

This is the first time I have heard of someone trying to use guilt on their cats... I... doubt you are very successful with that. >.> Sometimes the cats get some raw chicken wings, but they're such spoiled brats, they look at me like "wtf do you want me to do with this???" and I have to get in there and pull off the skin and rip out chunks of meat like "LOOK YOU IDIOTS, IT'S FUCKING FOOD!!!" Once you get them started, then they're like "OH SHIT I LOVE THIS!!!" but until you pull back the skin, it's like I threw a fucking banana at them. :P

Um, yeah, so this is now totally an unofficial cat nutrition message board. :P I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. The choices I have made appear to be not good.... >.>

no ofc who do you think my cats are? theyre lil ungrateful shits im such a masochist.

and GAH my cats cant even eat raw food!! theyd lick it (WE WERE GONNA COOK THAT) and run away. but when we give them some theyd be all 'what do you expect me to do with this? go fry it human.'

my cats are addicted to msg. theyd rather eat junk food than their PROPER CAT FOOD.

i love the internet. dont have the necessary qualifications? NO WORRIES! just sound as convincing as you can :D

GODDAMNIT CATS, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!!! I saw one of my cats eat a whole bird, HE FIGURED OUT HOW TO RIP OUT FEATHERS AND SHIT, BUT CHICKEN SKIN REMAINS A MYSTERY?????? SERIOUSLY CATS, COME ON!!

HOW DID YOUR CATS EVEN START EATING JUNK FOOD??? HOOOOOOOOOOW???? One of my cats is crazy for apples and olives. If I eat an apple, he has to get bites, too or he gets so offended and he goes FUCKING NUTS for olives, like one time I spilled a little of the brine on my desk, like four drops, and I wiped it up with a paper towel and threw it away AND THEN MINUTES LATER I SAW MY CAT EATING THE PAPER TOWEL????

Btw, an anonymous lurker on my comments section (this is a cool place to hang out???) told me that she wants a cat now, so.... we've done our jobs here. :P

IM LAUGHING BECAUSE GDI ITS SO FUCKING TRUE!!!!!!

what do you mean your cat eats fruit. omfg. omg. what. what. i cant even get my hedgehog to eat his fruits and fruits are a THING for hedgehogs

/pulls out academic essays on the argument for and against selective breeding in cats. WELL THEN.

this was absolutely hilarious omfg
your baekhyun was spot on and your jongin was such an adorable loser
basically it was gr8 thank u so much for writing

I was kind of worried I pushed Baekhyun a bit too far, so THIS IS AWESOME TO HEAR!! Thanks so much for reading and leaving a comment, I'm really glad you thought it was so funny!

(Deleted comment)
Awwww yeah, lured you in with my sasquatches, forced you to stay with my yixing-taking-a-leak story!! It's strangely comforting to know that you enjoyed this, like now I can feel a little like I gave you back something in return for the amazing fic you wrote for me. ; ; I love writing complete-asshole-Baek, who for some reason everyone still likes?? He just has that kind of personality that makes him fun to write.

FYI, THIS!! is the sasquatch fic, it is Chenlay. I thought I would save you the trouble of wading around through all my crap if you were still interested in it.^^ But thanks for stopping by!!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I RELATE TO JONGIN IN THIS FIC.
Like seriously, Yixing's voice I just- asdchliu... Especially when he switches back and forth between Korean and Mandarin and you can -hear- the difference in tone and he's adorable when he speaks Korean but oh so sexy when he speaks Mandarin I can't even...

Lmao, you are not alone. Yixing's voice... why does he do this to us??? ; ;

"Hey wait, I think I can see his dick!"

I was typing a very enthusiastic comment with lots of uppercase letters but I figured I was getting too embarrassing LOL Baekhyun is so perfect and so alive like he's so real and "Dude, is this some weird loser way of confessing to me?"


Lmao, thanks for reading chichi!! I love writing Baekhyun, it's so fun. :D I feel like I should apologize to you because jongin is not blind and I feel like I let you down lol. Thanks for all the encouragement while writing and all the brainstorming, you're a true friend ; ; one day I'm going to thank you properly at the top of the fic. Or finish that fic I'm writing for you lol.

I'm the one who's glad you listen to my ridiculous ideas because they are questionable, mostly, so thank you, AND it's a good decision to make Jongin not blind, I don't know why I'd suggest that, sorry! lol



i know i said no pressure with that one fic but i just want you to know that i am very excited about it, but still take your time 😂

No wayyyyyy, I could see in my head the blind-Jongin fic would have been awesome and I LOVED MY TERRIBLE CHEESY BLIND-DUDE PICK-UP-LINES, but I really don't write well enough to be able to write a story from his POV. :P Do you think they offer some kind of an online course to learn writing? ; ; AND ALL YOUR IDEAS ARE AWESOME, YOU ARE A CONSTANT SOURCE OF INSPIRATION TO ME!!!!

I AM THINKING ABOUT THAT ONE FIC ALL THE TIME, I AM DETERMINED TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT ; ; Next time you want me to write you a fic, you need to give me an actual prompt and a deadline lol.

death from laughter

legitimately kept laughing irl tbh

istg everytime i see your username i KNOWWWWWW i'm in for an awesome fic sIGHS THANK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Omg, that's so super nice to hear (read?) ; ; I feel, like, legit proud of myself right now lol.

And every time I see your username, I know I'll see a creepy user pic ; )

Attraction at first listen--in a bathroom, no less. Oh, Jongin, only you LOL.

I already told you I found the first scene funny, but the second scene onwards had me in stitches. Jongin's pining for his Bathroom Angel makes me want to pat his back and laugh at his misery at the same time [which is mean, I know, but ^^;]. Wanting to find out his crush's name and his missed chances on seeing him again are things anyone can relate to, I guess [but I can't say for sure if there are people out there whose romance started in a bathroom LOL]. I wheezed at the Cecily part--not only does he have a body pillow, he even has a name for it! What if he rolls around in bed hugging that pillow as he fantasized about Yixing before they met face to face? But it's not like he'd need it anymore because now he has Yixing to hug and... yeah, I guess they can roll around in bed together too. Among other things OuO

Asking help from the so-called Love Doctor as a last resort ironically turned out to be his best move; I love the embarrassment Jongin felt while talking to Baekhyun in his room. I also love Kaibaek's friendship here [if it can be called that LOL]; their bickering and Baekhyun's infuriating self were so fun to read. Their interactions here are something I can easily see happening IRL ^^ Kyungsoo is one of the bigger surprises in the fic because he knew who Yixing was, except he had another name for him, and it could've spared Jongin the shame of approaching Baekhyun LMAO.

“Shut up, asshole, I don’t want to bone him, I want to kiss snowflakes off his eyelids and start a dog-sled team with him and we’ll move to Alaska and spend our nights curled up together watching the Northern Lights.”

This amuses me so much. For some reason, I can imagine Jongin writing something like this if he was to profess his adoration for Yixing [I am under the impression he must be some kind of closet romantic] ^^; It kinda resonates with his RL eloquence when he writes fanclub entries and whatnot.

“I could pretend to be Clarence if he’ll lay on top of me.”

LMAO Baekhyun your thirst is so, so real. It will take a lot than just your greasiness if you want to win Kyungsoo over, seeing that he detests you ^^;

And a thousand yeses Yixing's sexiness level shooting up when he speaks in Mandarin! May heaven help you indeed, Kim Jongin LOL.

For a first time writing Kaixing, you've done a good job! ^o^ Hopefully this won't be your first and last fic for them because I'd like to see what you can come up with that's not bound to an exchange. Continue writing and keep up the good work! [Also, I had no idea what a chimichanga is before reading this fic, but Googling it was a bad mistake because it looks good and now I want to try it u__u]

Maybe all the people who found love in a bathroom can start a support group. They can help each other come up with fake stories about how they met so they don't have to tell people the bathroom story. Jongin is going to tell people he met Yixing at school. It's.... not technically lying. :D

AND OMG THANK YOU FOR MENTIONING CECILY I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST PART, THAT HE NAMED HIS BODY PILLOW. And you know he was totally rolling around on the bed holding the body pillow and closing his eyes, imagining Yixing's voice. He made his roommate very uncomfortable.

I also think Jongin is a closet-romantic. I bet he's a really sweet boyfriend. ; ; I'm just... going to lie here and think about that for awhile lol.

I'M SO GLAD YOU APPROVE OF MY KAIXING, I WAS SO WORRIED YOU WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED because you gave me so much seriously good information about Jongin and then I was like "he has an anime body pillow and hates Baekhyun" :P But actually after you told me so much about Jongin, I really had a lot of ideas to finish this up, so I'm super grateful to you!! I definitely have some more kaixing ideas rolling around in my head now, so I think you'll be seeing more kaixing from me in the future. With more dogs. Definitely dogs involved somehow. Thanks so much for reading this, GO FIND A CHIMICHANGA NOW, YOU DESERVE IT!!

This fic is so hilarious that I'll comment with a lot of HAs. So here it comes:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I love your fics lol

I'm about to leave for work and this block of haha's is exactly what I needed! Thank you!

this is just too brilliant I had to tell all my friends about it and I think that cafe isn't happy about us now ;; (but it's okay lol)

*high fives you and all of your friends* YEAH!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! It makes my day knowing that my fic caused a scene of minor(?) chaos in a public space. :D:D

this fic (as well as all the other fics i've read from u ESPECIALLY THE SEXING ONES...) has me convinced i want to be ur best friend, are u currently accepting applications?

YOU ARE SO SWEET!! LET'S DO IT, LET'S BE BESTIES!!! Buuuuuut, you might have to fight my current best friend to death. She's kind of a badass, I hope you are armed. ; ; I will be waiting for the victor at Taco Bell, where we shall share a best friends meal.

It's a crunchwrap.

YAS THIS IS ALSO WONDERFUL AND HILARIOUS AND MADE MY DAY LIKE WHERE THE HELL DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS STUFF LIKE CLARENCE???? I LOVE IT

I HAVE TO MEMORISE 1000 CHINESE CHARACTERS BY FRIDAY BUT I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT RN. I AM YOUR FAN

Thank you!!! I am a weirdo, so coming up with weirdo ideas is no problem for me. Making them into coherent stories that other people might enjoy reading is an entirely different situation. ; )

Since you are my fan, let me help you with your Chinese characters! There are only three that are really super important... 张艺兴 :D:D Is it even possible to learn 1000 by Friday??? THAT DOESN'T SEEM POSSIBLE???? I HAVE BECOME VERY CONCERNED FOR YOU!!! PLEASE DO WELL!!!!!!!!!

I CAN CONFIRM AFTER A MONTH OF EXAMS THAT I DID //NOT// IN FACT LEARN 1000 KANJI IN TIME, BUT THAT IS OK. HOPEFULLY I WILL STILL PASS. IF NOT, THAT MAY POSSIBLY BE A BIT PROBLEMATIC FOR MY FUTURE AND MY BACHELORS DEGREE BUT HEY!!! KISMET!! LOOKS LIKE I WILL JUST HAVE TO READ MORE OF YOUR WORKS TO SMOTHER THE FEELING OF IMPENDING DOOM THAT INCREASES THE CLOSER I GET TO RESULTS DAY :')

I daresay you most certainly DO turn your decidedly bizarre (but wonderful and very much welcomed!!) ideas into very coherent and pleasant stories that hundreds of people enjoy. As your fan, I can confirm these facts!!!

Honestly you are SO right, like I literally only need to know those three characters because when I am accepting Zhang Yixing's brohood proposal (is that a word?? I don't think I could convince him to marry me also I don't think HE could convince ME to marry HIM because he's perfect from afar but what do i do if i find out later on that he collects tadpole livers or something?? what if tadpoles dont have livers? what will he be collecting from them instead?? or what if he's a republican?? what will i do then????) he will know that i am taking it very seriously (i may need to add smileys for further communication, but i feel like this could still work).

ok i am going to stop being weird and go read more of your stuff, pls anticipate more screeching in comments in the coming days >:}

GODDAMNIT I HOPE YOU PASSED ; ; And if not, my fic is always here to remind you that there's someone on the planet whose life is much, much worse than yours. ; ) But I am sure you passed because I have an unfailing optimism and also you seem cool. :D

AND OMG I HAVE A FAN??? YESSSSSS!! I'VE DONE IT!!!!! EAT A DICK, EVERYONE ELSE!! *punches like 20 sharks right in their damn faces*

And omg if you discover Yixing collects tadpole livers, THEN YOU LEARN TO MAKE LITTLE DISPLAYS FOR THE LIVERS AND ACT LIKE THIS IS A GODDAMN NORMAL THING BECAUSE YYYYYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIXXXXXXXXXXXIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You crazy kids can make it work, I believe in your love. ; ;

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